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Depression

A wave of depression and anxiety has hit hold of me this last week. Not sure where this is coming from. Guess I will just ride the wave and see what happens.

I just don’t feel like “myself”. The self that I am used to seeing. I just seem to not care about anything or maybe not even anyone. One interesting thing though, “I” am realizing that I’m pretending to be somebody. Noticed that I didn’t say that I was pretending to be someone “that I am not”. “I” am just pretending to be ‘someone’. So who is it that is pretending to be? Why does the “I” need to feel like something?

What are you addicted to?

*drugs/alcohol
*food
*caffeine
*sex
*the Internet
*video games
*TV
*shopping
*relationships
*your identity
*your need to be right
*your financial status
*your power over people or situations
*the idea that you are your addiction

Stop and think about it. How many things ARE you addicted to? Identifying these things is the first step to freedom.

Oh, one more thing. Give yourself permission to smile today. :-D

If we had it to do all over again, would we (could we) do it better?

Out of Our Hands


Do we control our own lives? Is the future in our own hands, or is it “out of our hands”.

What if?

What if you give up everything? You give up who you are, your family, friends, ideas, possessions, job, past and future.
What’s left?

Answer: This, just ‘This’!

UN-happiness

If there is no such thing as true happiness,
then that must mean that there is no such thing as true UN-happiness.

What does that leave us with?

Who or what is it that…

… recognizes apparent awakening?
… feels, sees, hears,tastes,speaks?
… recognizes thoughts?
… gets the mail?
… labels you “you”?

Breakthrough

I have found faith and comfort in knowing that there is always a breakthrough right after a breakdown.

At our Happiness

We are at our happiest when we are not looking for things to make us happy.

Question of the day

Who or what is it that recognizes the apparent awakening (spiritual enlightenment)?

Tony Parsons

“There is no answer to life because life is its own answer. It’s happening already. It’s this. You never lost it. That’s the amazing thing about liberation. When liberation apparently happens people say, “It’s amazing because the thing I was looking for has never left me. It’s the one thing that never comes and never goes – the one constant that can’t be known or held onto.” And the one constant is being.”

The Open Secret
Tony Parsons
May 2008

Why are we individuals?

It seems to me that we appear to be individuals for one purpose, for survival. As an individual you have a need to live. This mean you must work, eat, sleep, etc. When we are children, and before we have any real identity, our parents help us with these things. At some point in our lives though we grow up, become individuals and figure out how to survive on our own. You can imagine that if this didn’t happen, if we were dependent on some-one or some-thing to provide us with what we needed, we wouldn’t survive for very long. You can almost see a biblical story reference emerging here can’t you? Adam and Eve depended on God, the provider. They later become aware of themselves as individuals and then are forced to leave the Garden of Eden to survive on their own. I am sure this story or idea has been told in many cultures and religions.

But the question remains, why do we feel the need to survive in the first place? Some animal instinct based on evolution, survival of the fittest? Maybe a better question is do we even exist at all?

Everything/nothing

I have everything, yet I have nothing.

What do I not have?

What do I not have at this moment? I do not have clarity on Truth. I do not have enlightenment. I do not have the answers.

So, who is the “I”? Maybe the “I” is something that cannot have answers. Maybe the “I” is something that cannot be enlightened. Maybe the “I” cannot know the Truth.

What good is the “I” then anyway?

I have made unbelievable gains since joining a gym four months ago. I should say unbelievable for someone in their mid 40s. Not that the mid 40’s is old, but I have made better gains now than I think I every have my entire life.

Over the last 20 years I have worked out mostly in my home-made gym which consists of free weights and bench including a heavy-duty squat rack. I have struggled off and on with injuries in this home gym. Most of these were shoulder injuries, which I believe was due to heavy benching. As you know you use your shoulders for just about every exercise, even squats. So when your shoulder goes your pretty much out of commission all together.

When the opportunity to join a gym came around I thought that this might be a good opportunity to try out some new equipment and take advantage of some expert trainers. I had not belonged to a gym in probably twenty years so I wasn’t really sure what to expect.

I believe joining a gym has benefited me in few ways. These are all somewhat related.
1. Created variety in my workout.
2. Eliminated shoulder/joint problems.
3. Confused muscles (if you believe in that kind if thing).

The variety in my workout is not really my choice. I often plan on using specific types of equipment when I go in but because the gym is very crowded, but unfortunately there is just not enough equipment to go around. I am forced to grab whatever equipment is available. I do this instead of waiting. I think this variety has helped me by not overworking my joints which, by doing the same exercise over and over again, may be one reason that has contributed to my ongoing shoulder problem. This idea of changing your routine is nothing new but the idea of changing every time you go in may be somewhat excessive for most people.

I believe one of the biggest contributors to remove my shoulder problem is that I have stopped benching free weights. I frequently use the Smith machine for both flat and incline. When those machines are in use I will go to the Hammer machines. Not sure about the physics or mechanics here but it may have to do with the need to balance the barbell, something not needed when you are on a machine.

“Muscle confusion”? The jury is still out on this one for me. I’m pretty sure that your muscles can’t get “confused”. :) What I do think is that changing your routine prevents you from becoming bored which may cause you from “giving it your all” during your workout. Changing your routine can prevent injuries due to overuse of certain areas of the joints as I mentioned above.

One thing that I did not mention in the list above is my routine. More is not necessarily better like I used to believe back in my younger days. Understandably some people love to spend time in the gym. For me it’s in and out as fast as possible. I don’t socialize, I workout. My goal is to get in and out in 30-35 minutes. That gives me plenty of time to get done what I need to get done, prevents me from overtraining, and gives me a bit of an aerobic exercise as well. For some reason we are told to get out there and workout every day, but I just don’t think that good for most people, especially when you get older. Light exercise is fine but not when lifting or even running. In fact, even if you are young and healthy going into the gym 6 days a week and trying to keep up with the big boys is stupid. Most of us just can’t recover that fast and we burn out. Also, most of us don’t want to do the other 50 percent of what it takes to make the recovery process possible, follow a proper diet.

Currently I workout three days a week alternating legs and shoulders with chest, back and arms. One week I will work legs and shoulders two days a week then chest, back, and arms one day. The next week I will work chest, back, and arms twice a week and then legs and shoulders once. This gives my somewhat older muscles plenty of time to recover. One of the good thing about being older and having some experience is that I know when my body is tired and needs rest, so I know when to take a couple of extra days off. I will even take an entire week off and just recover.

In term of taking advantage of the training professionals, I can’t say they were any help. Not that age has anything to do with it but most are in their early 20’s and have little to no training experience and very little personal experience. To be honest I have probably forgotten more than they know, and trying to talk to them between their text messages has been a bit of a challenge. So for me listening to my own body’s needs, reading books and taking out of them what I know to be true is much more reliable than relying on the so called experts. By the way, notice didn’t say read magazines? Magazines have only one purpose, to sell you things. Period! I don’t trust them.

So the overall experience has been a good one for me. I am making gains like crazy, I am healthy and injury free. What more could I ask for? I can’t wait to see what the next few months bring.

There are two of me?

Last night while lying in bed, I was thinking about “me” and “I” and what those terms mean. Suddenly I had this very clear feeling that I was not me, or rather, there was two of me, the one I usually think of as me and which was positioned just above me and to my left, and then the me who was seeing the that there were two. Wow, that’s hard to explain.

There was this sudden rush of realization followed by what I guess you could call adrenaline and a loud unidentifiable noise…or silence..or something. That realization become so clear and sudden that it scared the crap out of me. The heart was racing, I was WIDE awake for a long time after that.

Not sure what to think of this really. Could have been an Out of Body experience or the start of an Astral projection. The thing is, I was “feeling” this more than seeing and it was from the perspective of body rather than the Astral. I am sure that I was not asleep yet, but … who knows.

Direction

Don’t chase butterflies on the path the enlightenment.

Boredom

I have been in this state of boredom for weeks now. I seem to be bored with everything related to my self improvement and career efforts. I have been bored in the past but usually my curiosities and need to improve have pulled me out of these funks. This time however, I just don’t care. I just don’t care!

So, what does this mean? Where will it lead? I am sure there is something to learn from all of this, but to get in the state needed to make this determination is a BIG effort, one that I’m not sure I have the energy for.

Do you exist?

Can you prove that you exist? Let’s say that I have an alternate reality buy having an OBE or lucid dream. In that state I could say that the reality I experience there is just as real as the one here. Most would say that the dream reality isn’t real because it isn’t THIS reality. But who is to say that this reality is real. Maybe it is a dream as well. In both cases however, I think it is safe to say that both happen in the mind. But where is the mind? To a person that is asleep or in a coma, does life go on? It seems to for the ones that are awake, but does it for the ones that are asleep? For them life only appears to go on once they wake up and realize that time has pass. The information that time has passed comes from other people, or other outside source such as clocks.

So do you exist? Who is the YOU? Are you mind, matter, CONSCIOUSNESS?

It is not non-attachment, or the practice of, that leads to peace. It is knowing the Truth that will set you free.

How does one learn the Truth? You are the only one that knows that answer.

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